Losing Oneself. . .

or what you thought was yourself. . .

I was laying in bed this morning, (naked, because that is how I sleep) and my hands were wandering (we don't need to discuss where they were wandering too, but they were wandering here and there and everywhere. . .). But as they wandered I felt my pelvis bone! Now, that may not seem like a big deal, but this distraction was enough to gain my attention from other things that had been pressing just moments before.

So I continued laying there, (being flat on the bed helps one find the new changes of their body) my other hand left its earlier resting spot and searched out the matching pelvis bone. Now, here is where the "Holy crap!" title comes into play. As I pushed against those bones I thought to myself, "If I lose all this weight my hips would be about so wide (this is where I lifted both my hands up and stared in wonder at the space between my hands and adding some for the hip bones themselves).

My husband then checked that same width with his hands, which led to searching out my ribs, which led to a morning tickle (you thought I was going to say sex, didn't you?!) (( No sex, he had to get ready for work)).

But back on subject. . .

I was shocked, astonished and giddy. But. . .also a tad fearful. I thought what if I lose all this and ???? <<<< what? I don't know. I couldn't finish the thought, so unexpected was the thought of my size getting that small. Now I sit here and I know what was wrong. I was panicking. I realized I was losing the security blanket I have carried with me all my life and I was going to be exposed. There will no longer be this big, cushy body that has been through everything in my life. It has been my excuse for eating. My excuse for inactivity and my excuse for being sad.