Beauty. . .

No, this isn't me and no, I didn't paint this. . . It's called Beholding.

It reflects my mood though. Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder. I hear that often and I know it is true. Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder. When someone looks at me, they see something I do not see. Something I wish I could see though. People lately have described me as sexy, beautiful, radiate. . . I don't see that. I sometimes wish I was not the beholder, but I was them.

I look in the mirror and see all my flaws. I study them and they seem to manifest before my eyes into flaws that are so large they drown out all the beauty that I thought was there. I know I am not all bad. There are parts of me that are favorable to look upon. My hair is one. It took me a long time to like my hair. I hated it growing up. I am the only redhead out of my family. My parents and my sisters all have dark hair. I felt so out of place. People picked on me. Boys made cruel jokes, sexual innuendos that at a young age I didn't understand, but now as an adult I do. *sigh* No child should be teased like that.

My body, it is not perfect. I am learning that men like me for who I am on the inside and they don't see the things I see when they look at me. I wish I could see through another's eyes. How beautiful I would be. My lashes are red, short and grow straight. My eyes are dark brown. I would like her eyes. . . they are violet, aren't they? At least in this pic they are. How beautiful her eye looks. Some people can pull of an eye picture and it isn't scary. This model is one of them.

I feel reflective. I am about to embark on a new stage in my life. One where I will be forced to examine my body and all the changes that are taking place and let someone I care about view me as so few ever have. I will be openly exposing myself and though I trust this person. . . I fear my own appeal will not be pleasing. I hate self esteem issues. I despise them. I so wish I didn't have them. . . but don't we all.

I am sure my friend has them too. But they are stronger than I am. I am weak, or so I feel I am. *hugs and kisses to all of you*

~ Red. . .

Chicago. . . Lit-together

I wrote all this and posted it on the wrong blogger. lol. . . I don't know if I have the umph to write it all out again. LOL. . . Anywho. . . A group of folks from Literotica are meeting in Chicago and I'm one of them. We are going to have a great time. Hub has to work, so I'm on my own. I'll behave... I promise. :-) Well, maybe I shouldn't promise. *wink*

I'm really looking forward to the weekend. It'll be a lot of firsts for me. . .bar hopping, visiting a huge city like that alone, karaoke, dancing, just letting loose and having fun. Sis is keeping the kids so no worries there. I just am going to have a blast. :-) (As long as I don't get lost)

I'm down another 5 lbs. :) 94 lbs gone with the wind. I know the plateau is coming, but I hope it isn't for a while. *smiles*

Please have a great week!!!!

~ Red

This is me. I'm 86 lbs. lighter. . .*big grin* I'm a happy lady, lately. I've had so many positive changes within myself since the surgery that as you can see from the last post...I've kept myself to busy to update! *bad Red!!! Bad!!!*

Right now having lost that much weight, only a small about of skin is becoming an issue. Hopefully it will "snap" back into place and all will go well as I continue losing, if not then that is the way life goes, isn't it. I am very excited though. So many things have happened since the surgery, little things that many people, including myself have either taken for granted or just never thought of.

I am able to sit in the office chairs at businesses. I can drive the van with the steering wheel in the lowest position. I can wear thigh-high pantyhose available at Walmart and not having to special order them from an online company! Very cool! I have gone from a size 26/28 to an 18/20 . . .I will be smaller eventually. New panties, bras, lingerie... they are filling my dresser. I breathe easier, feel better about my health and myself, and I can't begin to express how that makes me feel.

This surgery isn't for everyone. I know that. But I don't regret it. There are some foods I don't tolerate well, but none that send me to the bathroom. Chicken, fish, shrimp, eggs, potatoes... these things I can eat, but I tend to shy away from them. A couple bites and my stomach feels off.

In other news. . .They found a couple cysts on my left ovary. Some may remember that I had the left tube removed in Sept. 06. It was 10cm. (about 4inches). These two are small, so they didn't give me a size. I've been given a couple packets of birth control pills to take. These should help keep cysts away and these smaller ones, (if we are lucky) will dissolve.

I'm heading to Chicago at the end of March. South Carolina, West Virginia and Mammoth Cave, Kentucky in April and Yellowstone National Park in August. A busy year for this losing mommy and wife.