Beauty. . .

No, this isn't me and no, I didn't paint this. . . It's called Beholding.

It reflects my mood though. Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder. I hear that often and I know it is true. Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder. When someone looks at me, they see something I do not see. Something I wish I could see though. People lately have described me as sexy, beautiful, radiate. . . I don't see that. I sometimes wish I was not the beholder, but I was them.

I look in the mirror and see all my flaws. I study them and they seem to manifest before my eyes into flaws that are so large they drown out all the beauty that I thought was there. I know I am not all bad. There are parts of me that are favorable to look upon. My hair is one. It took me a long time to like my hair. I hated it growing up. I am the only redhead out of my family. My parents and my sisters all have dark hair. I felt so out of place. People picked on me. Boys made cruel jokes, sexual innuendos that at a young age I didn't understand, but now as an adult I do. *sigh* No child should be teased like that.

My body, it is not perfect. I am learning that men like me for who I am on the inside and they don't see the things I see when they look at me. I wish I could see through another's eyes. How beautiful I would be. My lashes are red, short and grow straight. My eyes are dark brown. I would like her eyes. . . they are violet, aren't they? At least in this pic they are. How beautiful her eye looks. Some people can pull of an eye picture and it isn't scary. This model is one of them.

I feel reflective. I am about to embark on a new stage in my life. One where I will be forced to examine my body and all the changes that are taking place and let someone I care about view me as so few ever have. I will be openly exposing myself and though I trust this person. . . I fear my own appeal will not be pleasing. I hate self esteem issues. I despise them. I so wish I didn't have them. . . but don't we all.

I am sure my friend has them too. But they are stronger than I am. I am weak, or so I feel I am. *hugs and kisses to all of you*

~ Red. . .